A Dad's Prayer

For some strange reason, I felt the need to explain why I write these blogs because I don’t want to seem narcissistic. The hope is that by writing some of these blog entries that someone who reads it might be helped by some of the things I have experienced and that they might see that it is possible to change their life’s path as well. If you think there is any worth in sharing this blog entry with anyone you know, please send them a link to the blog, or print it out and tape it to their TV remote, or email it to friends and coworkers who might benefit by reading it. 

 

My failures as a Dad far out-weigh my successes. There is no “Owner’s Manual” for being a parent and despite all of your friends and relatives advice, nobody really knew how to be a parent before their kids arrived. Even though that is true, some of this parenting stuff should be intuitive for us guys and sometimes we just choose to ignore our nature. It has been previously documented in this blog that I was a very self-centered person. I was self-centered to the point where it became a wall between me and my own wife and children. This was a wall that I built; stone by stone and brick by brick. They didn’t “wrong” me into building it. I built this wall on my own accord and I built because I thought that I had to play the role of the strong and distant father. In my mind, I thought my job as “Dad” was to provide for them, to protect them, and to guide them through life while showing as little real emotion as possible. In my mind, I already had plans for the type of cars I was going to surprise them with on their sixteenth birthdays, I had planned out how they would always have “stuff”, and how they would always have everything their hearts could desire. But I was wrong in understanding what their heart’s desire was. You see, in my mind, I wanted to give them the world, but all they want is to know they have my heart. As the strong and silent father, they have my heart; they always have had it, but as a Dad, I don’t know if I’ve told them they have my heart. When my daughter was very little, I was on the road working away from home a lot; to the point that when I was home, I was a stranger to her. As she’s grown, I’ve still remained somewhat of a stranger, a stranger hidden by this ridiculous wall I spent so much time creating. Recently, when I was working in Washington, DC due to the tough economy and had to be away from my family, I would write these emails to my wife describing how much I missed her and the children and how I couldn’t stand being apart from them. You would think that my wall wouldn’t fit on the plane, but it did and I brought it home with me each and every time. We would go on vacation once every couple years and I’d hang out in the hotel while they went to Disney. I am/was a mess. I’m still broken. I still have this wall. I’ve spent more time and energy trying to be this strong and silent Father than just being a Dad. I’ve watched my “wife’s sister’s husband” bark and yell at his kids and I’ve thought many many times how he was a giant jerk, but his kids were just scared of him, mine don’t know me. Who’s the jerk now?

A month ago, I was working with the Worship Team at LGC for their annual Shine Conference for their Women’s ministry. The conference is a Friday night and Saturday morning of music, worship, and estrogen. Probably a month before the scheduled event, they asked me to play bass for the conference which would require a commitment of 4 or 5 Sundays of rehearsals prior to the actual event. Of course, I jumped at the chance, I love working with the Worship Team and serving at LGC. About a week before the Conference, my wife comes in the kitchen and asks me what I’m doing on that coming Friday because there was a Daddy-Daughter dance at my daughter’s school. They were both on the same night. If you know me, then you know that one of my biggest mantras is DWYSYWD. Do What You Said You Would Do. I had made a commitment to the Shine Conference and it was too late to back out, I never back out, and I didn’t want to back out. I’m still more selfish than I like to admit. That was the end of the conversation. My wife knows how I am/was/were, so she knew not to light the powder keg of DWYSYWD. I forgot about it, the Shine Conference was a hit. Fast forward to this weekend where my wife and I attended a Marriage Conference at LGC which was another Friday night and Saturday morning event. The conference was earth-shakingly good. When we got home that night to a child-less house, we had the best conversations about our marriage and I finally grew a pair and told my wife just how much I want to be the husband and Dad they all deserve. Then she hit with the fallout from the Daddy-Daughter Dance. Apparently, this was a big deal in my daughter’s world and had I been more in-tune I might have noticed that myself. In fact, several times, my daughter had mentioned it to my wife about how she was the only girl at her school that didn’t get to go. Twist the knife, I know, right? Then last Friday the kids all had to bring in 4 or 5 pictures of themselves to make a poster and all of the other little girls had pictures from the Daddy-Daughter Dance. OUCH! Strong and silent Father was not ready for that. I couldn’t get that out of my head. My wife suggested I take her out for a special date night, just me and her to try and smooth this over. You see, my wife is so much smarter than me as well. We got up the next morning and went to the Marriage Conference and all I could think about was, “Do they have a Dad Conference”? After the conference, I drove to Carrollton, and thought about all my mistakes as a parent. I wondered if Hallmark makes a “Your Father’s Sorry He’s A Douche Bag” card. I prayed about it. I asked God how could I be so changed as a man, but still fail as a Dad? What was it going to take for me to realize that I’m blowing it? I’ve been blowing it the entire time.

The answer came and it was that I can’t afford to lose any more time in getting this right. I had built this wall stone by stone and brick by brick, but it needs to come down now before I look back and realize that time has run short. I decided the night before that I was going to be the best husband on the planet and I decided on that drive home that I was going to be the best Dad I can be; no more strong and silent. I walked in the door and went in to my daughter’s room and I asked her if I could talk to her. We sat down on her bed and I put my arm around her and I apologized from the bottom of my heart for not taking her to the Daddy-Daughter Dance. I told her that next year we we’re definitely going and that I’ve cleared the entire month of February on my calendar for her. I asked her if she would go on a date with me in the next couple weeks or days, so she and I could spend some time together and so I can show her how much I love her and that she’s my little princess. We’re going to dress up, look our best, and really make an effort to do this right; I have a lot of work to do. The funny thing is that she forgave me on the spot and loved on me without condition. She didn’t want stuff; she wanted my heart.

This is my plea, this is my prayer for myself and any of you guys who might be blowing it to, even if just a little:

• Love your kids in actions and words; don’t just assume they know you love them. You don’t have to play the role of the strong and silent Father just because that is how you were raised.
• Don’t let your worldly frustrations blind you to the needs of your children to know and feel your love. If you come home from work tired and frustrated because of the day’s events, your lack of career success, or whatever the root of your frustrations are, leave them in the car/driveway. Your kids will love your middle-management butt, when no one else will.
• Build a wall; build a wall with your wife and kids inside the walls and the world on the outside.
• Be intuitive. It’s not just your wife’s job to know when your kids need a little more love on the tough days.
• Be Superman every day. To your kids, no matter their ages, you are Superman, Batman, Prince Charming, and Spiderman all rolled into one. That is a huge responsibility and it takes a strong man to bring it…every day. When you’re tired and they want to play, suck it up Spiderman.
• Invest your time in them. They will bring you the biggest return you’ll ever receive.
• Love infinitely. I have limited time, limited money, limited patience, limited smarts (obviously, see other blog posts), but we all have an infinite supply of love. You never run low or run out of love, so stop stockpiling it, give it away.

If you’re a great Dad, then God bless you. I am not a great Dad, but God has blessed me with this renewed heart and this brand new set of eyes to see all of my warts and He has given me the strength to change. Of all of the changes that have been happening in my life, I feel that this weekend God has spoken into my life and said that there is nothing more important in life than to be the best husband and the best father I can be, like He designed me to be. I’ve got a lot of work to do, but I’m excited to get started. I’ve got a very important date coming up, and other than the first date with my wife, this is the most important date of my life and I’m sure I’ll be nervous.