About this time last year, I was in a funk. For the second time in 2 years, I had been laid off from my job and was spending an inordinate amount of time wallowing in self pity and self doubt. I was completely self-absorbed. In hindsight, this was nothing new. The problem with being self-centered is that you're always concerned about "me". My marriage was pitiful. Not because we were no longer compatible or "in love" or anything alone those lines. My marriage was pitiful because it only had one person in it; I was too concerned with "me" to be an active participant in my own marriage.
Even when life was going great, I was not a good husband. Now in tough times, I was even worse. Not abusive or violent, that's not something I am capable of, but I was so focused on "me" that whatever I could blame on her, I did. She didn't love "me" enough, she didn't care enough for "me", she didn't care what I wanted, she didn't support "me", and she didn't understand "me". I would be sitting at home, unemployed, thinking of all the ways she wasn't serving "me". This all came to a head one morning in late February last year. She was up early for work and getting the kids ready and I woke up frustrated and in the mindset of "she doesn't love 'me". It was one of those hectic morning scenes that we all have where the kids are sleepy, cranky, and crying as we try to get everyone out the door. But this morning, "me" had had enough and I screamed at her that I wanted a divorce. Now this had been floating around in "me" brain for a long time, but this is the first time I had actually said it. We just stared at each other. I don't think either of us believed what we just heard.
About this same time, I started going to the most amazing little church, LifeGate Church. That first Sunday, I went because my sister-in-law wanted the family to go to their church for her birthday. I certainly was not there for "me". Funny thing happened when I was sitting there listening to the teaching, I started to understand that God wants "me" to have "rich and satisfying life". At the time, life was anything and everything other than "rich and satisfying". The pastor taught and I listened; Sunday after Sunday my life was changing. The more and more I learned about the Word, the more I changed. The more I changed, the less I was concerned about "me". The more I hung out with the people from church, the more I saw examples of rich and satisfying life. The more I read the Word, the more I understood what life was supposed to be about and what God expected from me. I can't even begin to explain how all of this changed my thinking. For seemingly the first time in my life, I was putting things in order of importance and the first thing on the list wasn't "me".This was not some over night epiphany and I'm still learning and still working on getting it right which seems to be a lifelong journey.
As things were being put into the proper order, I started to become a better husband. Better, but still not good. To fully understand how much of a change this was, one needs to understand what it was like to be married to me. For 11 years, when I was home and not working in some strange city away from the family, I was a non-entity in the marriage. I worked long hours and when I came home, I would get a dip of Copenhagen and spend the evening playing Xbox before falling asleep on the couch. This was 7 days a week. I didn't take out the trash, help with the kids, clean house, or even clean up after myself. I was only concerned about "me" and I didn't want to be bothered with those things. I thought that since I worked 70+ hours a week and my wife worked 3 days a week, that she could handle all of those things without my help. Besides, "me" was tired and wanted to come home and unwind. This went on for 11 years. So, the morning I screamed at my wife that I wanted a divorce may have actually been a moment of relief for her, I don't know, we've never talked about it since it happened.
When God changed the way I think and changed my heart, it changed how I acted and how I felt about being a husband. My wife hated my 15 year long Copenhagen habit, which was a can a day at that point, and she hated how I spent all day playing Xbox. So with very little fanfare, I decided to stop doing both of those things and just like that, I no longer had the desire to do either one. I started to make family a priority. Instead of being self absorbed, I was focusing on the family; spending my time with them and fixing what was once broken. Things got better, I was happier and I felt fulfilled being a husband and dad. We spent time watching TV together and talking more. I invested time in the lives of my wife and kids and forgot about "me". I was improving, but still not where I needed to be.
Every night when I come home from work, the first thing I do is take off my shirt (don't worry I always wear an undershirt of some kind) and throw it on the back of a chair. By the end of the week, it was common for 4 or 5 shirts to be piled up on a chair in the kitchen or strewn on the couch. Not to worry, my wife is off on Fridays, so she would clean them up and put them in the laundry and clean the pile of dishes that had accumulated during the busy days of the week. She'd been doing for the last 11 years anyway. We went out with some friends one night and while eating dinner she was making fun of the way I leave clothes laying all around and while everyone was laughing, I had an amazing realization. I had been praying for God to show me where I was failing as a husband, and I realized at that moment that I was still driving my wife nuts by not doing the simplest things to make her life easier. So I decided sitting right there that I was going to start serving my wife more, you know, serve her by not being "me". For the next 2 weeks, when I came in the door from work, I immediately hung up my jacket in the hall closet and when I took off my shirt, I took it straight to the laundry. Now, some of you are probably still shaking your heads at me, but we're taking baby steps here people...baby steps. Along with the shirts in the laundry, I started doing the dishes every night so that dishes wouldn't pile up in the sink. Unlike in the past, I did this without wanting anything in return, you know, when your husband does something "right" he wants you to shoot off some fireworks or something; at least I did. So this new behavior for me had been going on 2-3 weeks and she hadn't even mentioned it. She did thank me once or twice, but I think she was more confused than anything and probably wondering what I was up to or what I had bought that she was going to find out about when the credit card bill arrived. But I was happy doing it and I liked the fact that she appreciated the new "me".
Last week, I stopped to get gas on my way to work and when I opened my wallet, inside there was a little folded piece of paper. I unfolded it to find a little note from my wife that read, "I hope you have a great day, [heart] Spud" (Spud is her nickname I gave her 18 years ago, but that is a topic for another time). It made my day. That is the first note she had written to me in probably 15 years; it was the first time I deserved a note in 15 years. I posted it on Facebook, I was so proud. I sent her a text thanking her for the note and in it I said that God was making me a better husband and I apologized that it had taken so long. My life, my heart, and my thinking has changed so much in the last year and it all started when I walked into that little church and listened to the Pastor teaching about the Word. Through God and His Word, the positive examples of rich and satisfying life from some amazing people at LifeGate Church, and my wife's infinite patience I have started to become the husband she deserves, the father my kids need, and the man God expects me to be...one day at a time.
Can you imagine how much it is going to blow her mind when I start taking out the trash on my own???
