Daddy Daughter Date Night - Don't Miss Your Window

I've never been comfortable holding babies, not even my own.  When I was a boy, I had a little "incident" when I was supposed to be holding a baby that pretty much ruined me when it comes to holding babies.  I fumble, a lot.  There are no five pressure points for holding a baby securely that I am aware of.  So, suffice it to say that I'm uncomfortable.  I'm not comfortable with babies at all; they are so tiny and helpless and I am the proverbial "bull in a china shop".  I will always admit that my wife did all of the "heavy lifting"  with the kids.  When we had our first child, it was my wife who was up all night feeding and changing and taking care of them.  Okay, truth be told, she was always the one up with both of our kids, but she is a very light sleeper and I'm dead to the world when I fall asleep.

When my daughter was about 3 months old, Shannon had been getting up every night since Taylor was born and she was worn out.  (My wife requires 12-14 hours of sleep a night or she is downright hostile; I often joke that she'd sleep her life away if I let her.)  So, at about 9pm one night, I told my wife to bring me Taylor and I would hold her while Shannon got some sleep; she accepted the offer.  She brought Taylor and handed her to me and I was nervous; she was just so tiny and precious and I'm so big and clumsy.  I'm sure I didn't look comfortable holding her because my wife kept asking me if I was going to be okay.  I tried to assure her (and myself) that it would be okay.  I got this.  My wife went to bed and there we were, just me and Taylor Bug.  I was worried that I'd drop her, that I would fall asleep and accidentally smother her with one of my man-boobs.  I was so scared that I would do something wrong.  So I just sat there, petrified.  I just stared at her.  She was so beautiful and tiny and her little hand couldn't even wrap around my finger.  I just stared at her for hours.  I noticed after some time that the sun was starting to come up and the first light of the day was starting to break; I hadn't move at all.  I couldn't take my eyes off her.  After the dawn had fully arrived, my wife walked into the living room and found me sitting in the same spot, still hadn't moved, and the first thing she asked was if I had been up all night holding Taylor; I guess it was obvious I hadn't even so much as twitched since she had gone to bed.  I'll never forget that night.

Tonight, some 8 year later, I took Taylor out for a Daddy-Daughter Date Night; I wore a suit, she wore a pretty dress.  We ate at a "grown-up" restaurant, out on the patio, and she had a strawberry daiquiri that was a foot tall.  We talked, we laughed, and I stared into that beautiful tiny face and I thought of that night years before and everything was perfect. There was a time years ago when I might not have taken the time take her out for a little Daddy-Daughter time and I am so thankful for God's Grace and how it has changed my life.  Someone once asked me how I knew there was a God and I answered that I knew there was a God the day each of my children were born because in that moment when you first see them and hear them cry and a kind of love and joy you never knew existed enters your heart, it is only possible that we were created by God, in His image.  It was an emotion I had never felt before and it was so powerful that I thought the doctor would have to slap me; instead she just told me to get a hold of myself; several times she told me that (and I'm not a crier, well, I wasn't a crier).    If someone were to ask me that same question today, I would have a different answer.  I would answer that I know there is a God because last night I was given a chance to fix something that was once broken, to redeem a relationship that I was letting slip away because of the things in me that were broken.  I would say that when I fell on my knees and asked God to show me all my "warts" that He didn't just show them to me, He showed me how to fix them too.  His Grace is so amazing and earth shaking if you just let it into your life.  You've only have a small window in your children's life when you've got their undivided attention and all of their love and innocence before the World tries to take it from them; distract them, tell them parents and Daddy-Daughter Date Nights aren't cool.  I'm just thankful that God showed me that window and His Grace kept me from missing it all together.

A Dad's Prayer

For some strange reason, I felt the need to explain why I write these blogs because I don’t want to seem narcissistic. The hope is that by writing some of these blog entries that someone who reads it might be helped by some of the things I have experienced and that they might see that it is possible to change their life’s path as well. If you think there is any worth in sharing this blog entry with anyone you know, please send them a link to the blog, or print it out and tape it to their TV remote, or email it to friends and coworkers who might benefit by reading it. 

 

My failures as a Dad far out-weigh my successes. There is no “Owner’s Manual” for being a parent and despite all of your friends and relatives advice, nobody really knew how to be a parent before their kids arrived. Even though that is true, some of this parenting stuff should be intuitive for us guys and sometimes we just choose to ignore our nature. It has been previously documented in this blog that I was a very self-centered person. I was self-centered to the point where it became a wall between me and my own wife and children. This was a wall that I built; stone by stone and brick by brick. They didn’t “wrong” me into building it. I built this wall on my own accord and I built because I thought that I had to play the role of the strong and distant father. In my mind, I thought my job as “Dad” was to provide for them, to protect them, and to guide them through life while showing as little real emotion as possible. In my mind, I already had plans for the type of cars I was going to surprise them with on their sixteenth birthdays, I had planned out how they would always have “stuff”, and how they would always have everything their hearts could desire. But I was wrong in understanding what their heart’s desire was. You see, in my mind, I wanted to give them the world, but all they want is to know they have my heart. As the strong and silent father, they have my heart; they always have had it, but as a Dad, I don’t know if I’ve told them they have my heart. When my daughter was very little, I was on the road working away from home a lot; to the point that when I was home, I was a stranger to her. As she’s grown, I’ve still remained somewhat of a stranger, a stranger hidden by this ridiculous wall I spent so much time creating. Recently, when I was working in Washington, DC due to the tough economy and had to be away from my family, I would write these emails to my wife describing how much I missed her and the children and how I couldn’t stand being apart from them. You would think that my wall wouldn’t fit on the plane, but it did and I brought it home with me each and every time. We would go on vacation once every couple years and I’d hang out in the hotel while they went to Disney. I am/was a mess. I’m still broken. I still have this wall. I’ve spent more time and energy trying to be this strong and silent Father than just being a Dad. I’ve watched my “wife’s sister’s husband” bark and yell at his kids and I’ve thought many many times how he was a giant jerk, but his kids were just scared of him, mine don’t know me. Who’s the jerk now?

A month ago, I was working with the Worship Team at LGC for their annual Shine Conference for their Women’s ministry. The conference is a Friday night and Saturday morning of music, worship, and estrogen. Probably a month before the scheduled event, they asked me to play bass for the conference which would require a commitment of 4 or 5 Sundays of rehearsals prior to the actual event. Of course, I jumped at the chance, I love working with the Worship Team and serving at LGC. About a week before the Conference, my wife comes in the kitchen and asks me what I’m doing on that coming Friday because there was a Daddy-Daughter dance at my daughter’s school. They were both on the same night. If you know me, then you know that one of my biggest mantras is DWYSYWD. Do What You Said You Would Do. I had made a commitment to the Shine Conference and it was too late to back out, I never back out, and I didn’t want to back out. I’m still more selfish than I like to admit. That was the end of the conversation. My wife knows how I am/was/were, so she knew not to light the powder keg of DWYSYWD. I forgot about it, the Shine Conference was a hit. Fast forward to this weekend where my wife and I attended a Marriage Conference at LGC which was another Friday night and Saturday morning event. The conference was earth-shakingly good. When we got home that night to a child-less house, we had the best conversations about our marriage and I finally grew a pair and told my wife just how much I want to be the husband and Dad they all deserve. Then she hit with the fallout from the Daddy-Daughter Dance. Apparently, this was a big deal in my daughter’s world and had I been more in-tune I might have noticed that myself. In fact, several times, my daughter had mentioned it to my wife about how she was the only girl at her school that didn’t get to go. Twist the knife, I know, right? Then last Friday the kids all had to bring in 4 or 5 pictures of themselves to make a poster and all of the other little girls had pictures from the Daddy-Daughter Dance. OUCH! Strong and silent Father was not ready for that. I couldn’t get that out of my head. My wife suggested I take her out for a special date night, just me and her to try and smooth this over. You see, my wife is so much smarter than me as well. We got up the next morning and went to the Marriage Conference and all I could think about was, “Do they have a Dad Conference”? After the conference, I drove to Carrollton, and thought about all my mistakes as a parent. I wondered if Hallmark makes a “Your Father’s Sorry He’s A Douche Bag” card. I prayed about it. I asked God how could I be so changed as a man, but still fail as a Dad? What was it going to take for me to realize that I’m blowing it? I’ve been blowing it the entire time.

The answer came and it was that I can’t afford to lose any more time in getting this right. I had built this wall stone by stone and brick by brick, but it needs to come down now before I look back and realize that time has run short. I decided the night before that I was going to be the best husband on the planet and I decided on that drive home that I was going to be the best Dad I can be; no more strong and silent. I walked in the door and went in to my daughter’s room and I asked her if I could talk to her. We sat down on her bed and I put my arm around her and I apologized from the bottom of my heart for not taking her to the Daddy-Daughter Dance. I told her that next year we we’re definitely going and that I’ve cleared the entire month of February on my calendar for her. I asked her if she would go on a date with me in the next couple weeks or days, so she and I could spend some time together and so I can show her how much I love her and that she’s my little princess. We’re going to dress up, look our best, and really make an effort to do this right; I have a lot of work to do. The funny thing is that she forgave me on the spot and loved on me without condition. She didn’t want stuff; she wanted my heart.

This is my plea, this is my prayer for myself and any of you guys who might be blowing it to, even if just a little:

• Love your kids in actions and words; don’t just assume they know you love them. You don’t have to play the role of the strong and silent Father just because that is how you were raised.
• Don’t let your worldly frustrations blind you to the needs of your children to know and feel your love. If you come home from work tired and frustrated because of the day’s events, your lack of career success, or whatever the root of your frustrations are, leave them in the car/driveway. Your kids will love your middle-management butt, when no one else will.
• Build a wall; build a wall with your wife and kids inside the walls and the world on the outside.
• Be intuitive. It’s not just your wife’s job to know when your kids need a little more love on the tough days.
• Be Superman every day. To your kids, no matter their ages, you are Superman, Batman, Prince Charming, and Spiderman all rolled into one. That is a huge responsibility and it takes a strong man to bring it…every day. When you’re tired and they want to play, suck it up Spiderman.
• Invest your time in them. They will bring you the biggest return you’ll ever receive.
• Love infinitely. I have limited time, limited money, limited patience, limited smarts (obviously, see other blog posts), but we all have an infinite supply of love. You never run low or run out of love, so stop stockpiling it, give it away.

If you’re a great Dad, then God bless you. I am not a great Dad, but God has blessed me with this renewed heart and this brand new set of eyes to see all of my warts and He has given me the strength to change. Of all of the changes that have been happening in my life, I feel that this weekend God has spoken into my life and said that there is nothing more important in life than to be the best husband and the best father I can be, like He designed me to be. I’ve got a lot of work to do, but I’m excited to get started. I’ve got a very important date coming up, and other than the first date with my wife, this is the most important date of my life and I’m sure I’ll be nervous.

O' What a Year It Has Been

To those who have read some of my blog posts, you know that I’ve been renewed in my faith and it has deeply affected my life in every aspect.  So much so, that I’ve been compelled to write a few blog posts about some of the great things that God has done in my life.  It dawned on me this morning (pun intended) as I drove to the office that it has been one year since I first walked into LifeGate Church in Villa Rica and met some of the people who would help change my life.  It has been one awesome and eventful year and I don’t think any of it would have happened had I not found a home that was welcoming, safe, and lead by people who are genuine in their love of the Lord and their love for His church.

I’ve grown more as a man, husband, father, and friend in this past year than any other span of time in my life and that is because of His Word, the teaching of the Pastors at LifeGate, and the people God has put into my life.  I have seen long-lost friendships renewed, a marriage brought back from the edge of divorce, and a life once thought ordinary shown to be nothing less than extraordinary.  My eyes were opened to all of the blessings in my life that I had never seen for their true worth; for what really matters.  I was broken, lost, and chasing after things in life that had no value other than the value popular culture places on them, but all of that has changed now.

A few weeks back, I wrote a blog about how my marriage has changed over the course of this past year and one of my friends at church, after reading it, commented that he thought Pastor Tony’s Wednesday Night message mirrored some of the points I made in my blog and that maybe Pastor T had read my blog and somehow infused some of those points into his message.  He made the same point to me in front of Pastor T that Sunday after the service and I didn’t realize it at that moment, but on the ride home, I realized that the inverse of his comments were true.  It wasn’t my blog post thoughts and musing coming out of Pastor T, it was his teaching of the Word permeating my life and manifesting itself in so many aspects of my life that it was coming out of me through my blog posts.  I looked back at some of my older blogs and right there in plain text were the sayings, concepts, and teachings of Pastor Tony in every one of them.  All of them straight from the Word; packaged for me to understand, use, and apply to my life.  As I reflected this morning, I was thankful that God showed me to that church lead by Pastor Tony and Pastor Sheryll; He knew the type of people and the type of leaders that I needed to shake me off my path and return me to the path that leads to the life He intended for me.  I like to walk up to Pastor T and say to him, “If I haven’t told you in a while, Thank You”, to which, he usually just thanks me back; I guess some things don’t require a bunch of explanation.

More than any one person at LifeGate, I have spent more time with Matt Shaffer than anyone else and I think there has been divine intention in that as well.  Matt is a quirky guy whose mind is always going in a hundred different directions at a thousand miles an hour.  It is the cut of his snowflake, most assuredly.  He is an exceptionally talented musician and musicians are typically wired a little differently than I find myself to be, but there is not a more loving person on the planet, I am sure.  Matt loves people unconditionally and without reservation.  When Matt meets you and talks to you for the first time, he already loves and cares about you and will just pour that love out onto you like a 3 year old at his first attempt at putting syrup on his own stack on pancakes.  For someone like me, that was a whole new experience.  I didn’t know how to handle it and I assumed it was just a façade; nobody just loves other people they just met like that, are you kidding me, c’mon.  When I first started playing with the Worship Team Matt (and his wonderful wife) lead, I was apprehensive because I was afraid to get a “behind the scenes” look at them, the church, and the Pastors.  I was afraid that once I got a look behind the curtain, that I would see how the gears meshed and discover all that glitters is not gold.  And man, I was watching to, like a hawk, waiting for them to slip up, let their hair down, and talk bad about someone on the worship team or a church member, to gossip about “so and so”, for the Pastors to be mean and demanding when the lights went off and the microphones went silent, but it never came.  Not once, not even a little, not even a “gray” area.  What, are you kidding me?  Nope, it never came and resigned myself to the fact that these people were walkers of the talk and they do so without effort.  A football coach famously once said at a postgame interview when referring to the other team, “They ARE who we thought they were.”  Yes they are.  They are people who exceeded my understanding of what it means to be genuine and Godly.  I love Matt.  I love his quirkiness and everything that makes him the man that I draw so much inspiration from.  When people talk about wanting to emulate others, wanting to have some of what “they” got, I think of Matt Shaffer and how he loves and treats people.  At Thursday night rehearsal when the sheet music from Planning Center is in the key of A and we jump into the first song and everyone but me is in Bb, I smile and laugh, not out of frustration, but because I love the guy and I know when he walks over to me and asks, “Are you playing because I can’t hear you in my “ears’”, that I’m going to say “Yeah” even when I’m not playing at all! 

There are so many inspiring people in my life now, that it truly is God sent.  I was “chatting” with a friend on Facebook late last night and it just struck me how God has put all of these people in my life to help me on this journey and that if we accept Him, we will never be alone in this walk.  It is akin to bowling when they put those inflatable bumpers in the gutters; no matter how erratic we are in our walk, God has lined our path with the people we need to steer us back on course.  I am thankful for all the bumpers in the gutters; I need them often.  I’m thankful for Cheri who teaches me not to be afraid of falling down, but to be fearful of not having the faith to stand back up, to know that doing it on my own is a losing proposition, and that it’s in the tiniest pieces of Grace that God shows you that you are His favorite.  I’m thankful that my wife didn’t “throw the baby out with the bathwater” and that I’m learning to be a better husband by being surrounded by men who have great marriages.  I’m thankful for great leaders that God has put in place at LifeGate for it is their leadership that has put all of these people in place to build this great foundation and change people’s lives.  On those tough days, just know that what you do, does, in fact, change people’s lives forever.  I would be remiss not to thank all of those people for what they have done for me, my wife, and our family over the past year; you gained a two-fingered tone deaf bass player with no natural sense of rhythm and I gained a whole new life.  I win.  As Abi would say, “Go Jesus”.  So, if I haven’t told you lately, Thank You All.