I've never been comfortable holding babies, not even my own. When I was a boy, I had a little "incident" when I was supposed to be holding a baby that pretty much ruined me when it comes to holding babies. I fumble, a lot. There are no five pressure points for holding a baby securely that I am aware of. So, suffice it to say that I'm uncomfortable. I'm not comfortable with babies at all; they are so tiny and helpless and I am the proverbial "bull in a china shop". I will always admit that my wife did all of the "heavy lifting" with the kids. When we had our first child, it was my wife who was up all night feeding and changing and taking care of them. Okay, truth be told, she was always the one up with both of our kids, but she is a very light sleeper and I'm dead to the world when I fall asleep.
When my daughter was about 3 months old, Shannon had been getting up every night since Taylor was born and she was worn out. (My wife requires 12-14 hours of sleep a night or she is downright hostile; I often joke that she'd sleep her life away if I let her.) So, at about 9pm one night, I told my wife to bring me Taylor and I would hold her while Shannon got some sleep; she accepted the offer. She brought Taylor and handed her to me and I was nervous; she was just so tiny and precious and I'm so big and clumsy. I'm sure I didn't look comfortable holding her because my wife kept asking me if I was going to be okay. I tried to assure her (and myself) that it would be okay. I got this. My wife went to bed and there we were, just me and Taylor Bug. I was worried that I'd drop her, that I would fall asleep and accidentally smother her with one of my man-boobs. I was so scared that I would do something wrong. So I just sat there, petrified. I just stared at her. She was so beautiful and tiny and her little hand couldn't even wrap around my finger. I just stared at her for hours. I noticed after some time that the sun was starting to come up and the first light of the day was starting to break; I hadn't move at all. I couldn't take my eyes off her. After the dawn had fully arrived, my wife walked into the living room and found me sitting in the same spot, still hadn't moved, and the first thing she asked was if I had been up all night holding Taylor; I guess it was obvious I hadn't even so much as twitched since she had gone to bed. I'll never forget that night.
Tonight, some 8 year later, I took Taylor out for a Daddy-Daughter Date Night; I wore a suit, she wore a pretty dress. We ate at a "grown-up" restaurant, out on the patio, and she had a strawberry daiquiri that was a foot tall. We talked, we laughed, and I stared into that beautiful tiny face and I thought of that night years before and everything was perfect. There was a time years ago when I might not have taken the time take her out for a little Daddy-Daughter time and I am so thankful for God's Grace and how it has changed my life. Someone once asked me how I knew there was a God and I answered that I knew there was a God the day each of my children were born because in that moment when you first see them and hear them cry and a kind of love and joy you never knew existed enters your heart, it is only possible that we were created by God, in His image. It was an emotion I had never felt before and it was so powerful that I thought the doctor would have to slap me; instead she just told me to get a hold of myself; several times she told me that (and I'm not a crier, well, I wasn't a crier). If someone were to ask me that same question today, I would have a different answer. I would answer that I know there is a God because last night I was given a chance to fix something that was once broken, to redeem a relationship that I was letting slip away because of the things in me that were broken. I would say that when I fell on my knees and asked God to show me all my "warts" that He didn't just show them to me, He showed me how to fix them too. His Grace is so amazing and earth shaking if you just let it into your life. You've only have a small window in your children's life when you've got their undivided attention and all of their love and innocence before the World tries to take it from them; distract them, tell them parents and Daddy-Daughter Date Nights aren't cool. I'm just thankful that God showed me that window and His Grace kept me from missing it all together.
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